I wasn't really given any constructive criticism in my review, so I'm not sure if my partner wanted me to change anything about my paper. However, there are a few things that I know I need to change before I submit my final draft.
1) In my first supporting paragraph, I paraphrase a sleep organization's website with the sentence, "The current recommended amount of sleep that college students should receive each night is 7-8 hours, as lesser amounts can result in sleep deprivation and other negative unwanted consequences." I don't mention the other consequences, which could help the other information and anecdotes I used in the paragraph. Also, I should improve the flow of that sentence by eliminating either "negative" or "unwanted" as they basically mean the same thing.
2) I tend to flip-flop between a first-person and a third-person focus throughout the paper. My thesis is primarily focused on college-students, so unless I change it to focus more on myself, I should modify paper to fit a third-person focus using my personal additions as supplements.
3) My conclusion could be fleshed out a bit more. It also has the conflicted focus that I mentioned in the point above, and should be revised accordingly.
1) In my first supporting paragraph, I paraphrase a sleep organization's website with the sentence, "The current recommended amount of sleep that college students should receive each night is 7-8 hours, as lesser amounts can result in sleep deprivation and other negative unwanted consequences." I don't mention the other consequences, which could help the other information and anecdotes I used in the paragraph. Also, I should improve the flow of that sentence by eliminating either "negative" or "unwanted" as they basically mean the same thing.
2) I tend to flip-flop between a first-person and a third-person focus throughout the paper. My thesis is primarily focused on college-students, so unless I change it to focus more on myself, I should modify paper to fit a third-person focus using my personal additions as supplements.
3) My conclusion could be fleshed out a bit more. It also has the conflicted focus that I mentioned in the point above, and should be revised accordingly.
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